Last Day of 2007

I can hardly wait for this year to finally be over. It's dragged on and on for what feels like eternities.
Through all the heartbreak, betrayal, depression, graduations, travels, responsibilities, goodbyes and letdowns; now all I can think about is how much I want it to be over.
I look at pictures of myself from a year ago and I can see the change in my eyes. I've been through so much tough stuff, I've learned so much going through it all.
I still want those friends back, and sure, I still wish he'd love me, but now I'm at peace with what happened.
Part of me keeps looking for signs that I'm moving on, but maybe that's not what I need.

Walking By

Maybe the reason I leave all these stories unfinished is because I have no firefly stare. Maybe it's because I don't need to finished them.
Or maybe they don't have ends.

It's hard to watch everybody else walking past me with somewhere to go. While I let him sing me to sleep and I whisper goodbyes.

Like A Flame

The hope was like a flame, burning in the back of my mind all along. The light emitted was so dim that it took me a while to even realize it was there at all.
There are so few things in life that we can control, maybe it's all that we can do to hope.
I'm trying to figure out this whole thing, how it works, if it's even half as real as I want it to be. Maybe it's his character; who he is, how he thinks, what he says, that makes me want to know him better. I need someone to love me as a friend. I'm not asking for more. It's what I'd wanted to explain, what I meant for him to know.
I had all of this hope and I took a chance that I wasn't ready for. The flame was blown out and the hope is gone and I'm lost in the dark. Explain it to me.
Please let him know that I just needed a friend.
Right now, it's all I could hope for.

If I Make it Through December I'll be Fine

I hate how wrong it feels to me when I'm genuinely happy.
I hear it all the time "just don't think". When I think about it too much the magic goes away and it's the cold truth staring back at me that I can't handle.
When you're about to give up, try to remember why you've been holding on so long.
As much faith as I want to put in that, there has to be a point when I need to move on.
Maybe I should find someone else to love.

Two Monthes Ago Tonight

I'm proud for coming this far. Two long months have drawn out.
I can't tell if I'm just scared now or if I'm stronger or what. It's not getting easier but I'm still here, trying, hoping. That's what matters.

First Snow

The first snow of the year always the kind that hushes the world and quiets the aching of your heart. It's the kind that makes you really miss you people you love, or loved.
Everybody knows that letting go is just part of life. I'm always trying but somehow, I always find myself stuck in the same place, the same moment that can't seem to escape.

Come Some Vivid Night in November

I love how cold and clear the night sky is. I love laying in the cold grass and looking up, up, up, infinitely, and seeing everything and nothing at the same time.
I love those nights when it's so cold it hurts a little every time you take a breath in.
Nights like those are when my soul is free, when even though my heart hurts a little, I don't have to keep telling myself that everything is going to be okay.

Hospitals and Spirals

I don't even know why I'm so scared anymore. The more I think about it, the less sense I can make of it.
When I tell myself to grow up and be brave, it makes it that much worse because I can't do it.
People are asking what's wrong and I'm not so sure I know either.

Aftermath

Twenty days ago at this time, I broke my promise. I wish I could say I wasn't hurting anybody but myself, but that's definitely not true.
I thought I'd be able to start over but nothing has really changed since that night.
I thought that people remember better. Maybe they didn't think I was serious. Maybe they were just as scared.

Climax

The promise was finally broken tonight.

Nothing's Getting Done

Everything; my schoolwork, my friends, my family, my health. I'm being so overwhelmed by it all that I'm past the point of getting through one thing at a time. Today I just stopped. I've never been responsible for so many things at the same time before and tonight I just couldn't go on.
Lying face up, too tired to close my eyes and beyond comprehending thought, I stayed on the floor for almost an hour until my brother came home and I remembered what was going on.
I need a better way to deal. It's getting scary.

Spinning Between Sleeps

Maybe it's the dreams that get me every time.
I just can't explain why this happens to me and why I feel like, every time I shouldn't fight it.

Done is What Had to be Done

I'm mostly disappointed. Disappointed that I wasn't proven wrong. I wished on every star and I still can't accept why that didn't work. I need to know that I'm wrong.
Once again this thought floats beneath the surface of my conscious mind; done is what had to be done.
I hope it has some truth to it. I'm wondering that if this wasn't the right thing to do would I still be with him? Maybe I'm just feeling guilt now. At this point, I'm glad I don't believe in regrets.
If I wasn't happy I think maybe it's okay but I can't help the memories from flooding back with their familiar tugs and tears.
I want them to stop.

Right & Wrong

I've always had a good sense of what's right and what's wrong until now.
Everybody is telling me different things and I find myself agreeing with all of them.
When I think about what I'm about to do and all the people it affects it feels selfish and terrible but if I'm not happy I guess this is what I have to do.
In these situations I'm really at my worst. I haven't forgotten the last time.
I'm a little scared to go on.

Rest in Peace

You were a great man. You'll be missed. We love you.

By Candle Light

With summer winding down, moments are becoming slower.
Late last night, having an adult conversation over coffee with friends of my parents, I realized maybe growing up is going to be okay. I'd love to learn as much as they have about the world, how it works, why it works, how to heal.
One woman, an artist, must be nearly seventy years old. She mentioned that her father had been manic depressive. She remembered how wonderful it was when he would come home from work on top of the world with a new hat, a rare smile on his face, and then, what it felt like when he came home the next day, locked himself in the living room and listened to his records for hours on end and she wasn't allowed in to see him for days.
By sharing her story, she let me look through a little window, into who she really is.
Now she has a husband and children and grandchildren. She's retired from a good job. Since her childhood, things have turned out okay.
It has me thinking, maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all.

Drifting Minds

I think too much, about everything. It's my greatest weakness.
Lying awake in bed in the early hours of the morning, I think about certain people more than others.
I don't exactly know yet if it's coincidence, or guilt, or something else altogether but in the darkness and silence of the night, sometimes I get the feeling that maybe, I shouldn't be thinking about them at all.

Home Sweet Home?

Stepping off the airport bus in the dimly lit parking lot and seeing the shining faces of the other's parents, I wondered vaguely if mine had remembered to come. I hadn't slept in twenty-five hours and my eyes slid in and out of focus as I scanned the familiar faces for the ones I needed.
My father came around from the other side of the parked bus. I remember smiling and him saying "Hey Jame" and pulling me into a half-hug. I bit my tongue to not pull away as I remembered that he'd yelled at me about something stupid in last minutes I'd seen him before I'd left.
I left to go get my luggage, feeling older and more independent than I had before I left.
I was one step closer to being my father's adult equal and I've realized that until then, I cannot judge him.

Solid Ground

"I look at you and see a friend, I hope that's what you want to be."
It amazed me today, as I opened my heart and let the memories come pouring out, the way it felt to remember without trying protecting myself.
Crying, thinking back to those times, I was surprised at the intensity of my reaction.
Things in my life have been so amazing lately that, until recently, I hadn't given that time in my life much thought.
It felt so healthy to go back, to learn from the pain I've felt in the past. And then, as hard it was, admit to everything that had happened, especially to someone who'd had such an impact.
I realized that I've forgiven myself for nearly everything and I'm ready for my life to move forward, but always keeping what happened as a part of me.
I hope that we've done the right thing and I hope we're friends, now and for a long time.

The Moment That Never Lasts

I love when I wake up just as light is seeping onto the horizon. I pull myself out of bed and without thinking, draw myself to the window. Sometimes I'm awakened by the songs the birds sing in anticipation of the dawn.
I open my door cautiously to avoid any unnecessary noise and step out into the hall. After checking that I am the only one awake I go down the stairs one at a time, keeping a hand on each wall for balance; still, I'm not fully awake.
I hold my breath as I open the front door. The hinges creak loudly, but in relativity to the waking earth. The air is cooler and crisper than yesterday's and it feels good to breathe. The infinite sky is so incredibly clear that I can feel it open my mind.
I step out onto the east-facing porch and watch in awe as the fiery orb of sun breaks the horizon and streaks the skies with pale pink and golden light.
It doesn't feel real at all, it's all far too beautiful. Maybe it's not real. I never want to find out.
But there it is before me every so often, the moment that never lasts.

Homesick

Today is the first time I've been homesick in a long time. I guess the funny thing is that I'm sitting in my room at my house, the same house I've lived in my entire life. I'm longing for a place that I've only stayed, at most, a few weeks at a time.
The things that drive me crazy are the little reminders of how much I miss it there, how much I miss them.
I watch the intensely green leaves of trees blowing in the hot summer wind. I still taste the cold, sour lemonade and feel the heat of the bonfire on my face. I remember the feeling of belonging as I sat in the cool grass beneath a sky full of brilliant fireworks.
It makes me want to catch the next flight out of here.
Maybe home isn't really where you live but where your heart is. I leave myself asking, why does my heart have to be so far away?

For The Last Time

Goodbyes are a bittersweet part of life. Everyone says them, sometimes they're for better, sometimes for worse. Real goodbyes are forever.
Tonight I said goodbye to someone who had a huge impact on my life. She was an amazing friend until she betrayed me just a few months ago. I told her it'd take time but I'd try to forgive her, but I guess I never really could. When I got really depressed, I thought she understood me the best so I talked to her instead of my best friends. I made a terrible, dangerous mistake by doing that. Now, I can't blame her for my actions but she put the idea in my head.
After months of healing, tonight I knew it was time to say goodbye to her, for the last time.
I thanked her for the terrible memories.
At first I had an adrenaline rush as I realized that I could finally end a miserable chapter of my life, but now I feel sick. I feel guilty for not making it work but I wonder if it ever could after what happened.
I know I can't go back, and I wouldn't if I could. What's done is what had to be done.
We've said goodbye and now we'll both be on our way.

Not Fair

Life isn't fair. It's a saying that is so painfully truthful, nobody is willing to accept it. Maybe it should be fair, but that doesn't change a thing. Sometimes it's just the way things are.
Personally, I think it relates to jealousy; "Why is she blond, thin and rich? She's only a kid. What had she done to deserve it?"
Of course, we have no control over what kind of family we're born into or our genes and sometimes that makes it that much worse. "She has luck and I don't."
It's not an easy thing to do but maybe if we trained ourselves not to be jealous, it wouldn't matter as much if life was fair.

Love Makes Strange Enemies

It has been almost a year now since I was so afraid of getting hurt that through many misunderstandings, I taught myself to hate somebody. It truly was self-defense because previously I'd sent myself into depression over this person and I couldn't let myself go through it again, but it was the wrong way of dealing with it.
In recent weeks, the situation changed greatly. I no longer needed to protect myself as closely and we began communicating more and more. With things becoming clearer I felt a sense of relief, saw another, better side to this person that I'd previously made myself ignore.
Talking, joking with this person now, it feels like I'm finally getting some closure in an empty area that I'd forgotten about.
I love this feeling.

Standing There Alone

Sometimes I cannot wait until I'm older, until I'm independent and can move far away from this place. I watch the clock, the time move by so slowly I want to scream. When I realize this, I'm always afraid that someday I'll look back on my life and only remember waiting for something better to come along in my life, rather than enjoying what I could at the time.
So even though there are wars raging in the world, fights in my family, friends that I'm losing, I took a few moments today to take a deep breath while I watched the yellow daisies swaying in the hot breeze as the sun sank out of sight. It was nice, but somehow, it didn't feel right.

With Graduation Coming Near

Some nights are just beautiful. Surrounded by the people you love, laughing and dancing and hugging, when all grudges are pushed aside and everyone is glowing, when the end is in sight and you're trying to take in the last golden moments before it's over. I love them all.

Sunshine and Sad Songs

Sitting up in bed while I should be asleep, sometimes I think about the day that has just passed. Maybe parts of it felt sluggish or maybe it felt like I just woke up.
It wasn't seconds, or minutes, or hours, it was a whole day of my life that I will never get back. I guess I rarely have what most people call "good days".
On the contrary, sometimes my day is full of bad news or annoyances but i still don't call it a "bad day".
I guess I avoid labeling "good days" and "bad days". To me they can just be "days" and I take them as they are.

What's Done is What Had to Be Done

There is no such thing as wasted time. People say they'd give anything to go back in time to change the things they regret, but that's something I would never do.
We learn from the mistakes we make, no matter how big or small. I'm learning not to regret anymore. Regret is just a habit that will drive you crazy and hold you back. Admit that you made a wrong choice, but don't let yourself want to change anything. Accept what has happened and move on.

In a Moment

More than once in the past week, have I realized how little I know about some of my friends that I've always considered close.
In a moment you can watch a constant in your life dissolve before your eyes and it's hard to believe what you are seeing.
Or maybe it's not hard, maybe it's just that you don't like what you see.

Did You Know I Miss You?

Sometimes I miss the people that I see nearly every day. I guess I don't miss them, I miss who they used to be, or who I used to be when I was with them.
Change is hard to deal with. It's all around us, all the time and there's nothing in the world that can stop it. Resisting change is something we all do on a subconscious level. We don't want to grow up and grow apart from the things and people we are comfortable with, but fact is, we have to.
Wishing isn't going to make it go away.
Some things, though, last forever. Like true friendships.
I rediscovered one tonight. And it feels good.

Upside-down

Tentatively, I sat down on the old swing. So many memories. I hadn't been there in a while.
I rocked back and forth gently, not letting my feet touch the ground. The light in the sky was fading but the air was still heavy with heat. Birds sang their evening songs. Summer's coming.
I'd forgotten the world world could feel this slow, this peaceful, this good.
I leaned back so that my curls brushed the grass on the ground and my legs wrapped around the ropes that suspended the swing.
I let my arms fall down and my fingers run through the cool grass.
The sky above me was infinite. Maybe I was a little jealous.

Like a Diamond in the Sky

"Star light, star bright,

The first star I see tonight,

I wish I may, I wish I might,

Have the wish I wish tonight."

"The first star you see may not me a star."

As a little kid I never made frivolous wishes. I never wanted a new doll or a pony. Sure sometimes I'd wish that I could fly but mostly I'd wish for two things; that I would someday fall in love and world peace.

As immature or naive as you may think it, I still wish on stars. It's okay if the wishes I make will never come true, however realistic they might seem to anyone else. A wonderful friend once told me that it was okay to waste wishes on things that may never come true and those words will never leave me.

Sometimes the first star you see isn't really a star. All too often it's a planet you're seeing. I'd tell you how to tell the difference so that you might know if what you're looking at is a star or planet, but I don't want you to know. I want you to keep the magic inside of yourself instead of worrying about the truth.

But now, what should I do? Wish on the second star instead?

Show Me That I'm Wrong

For awhile now, and as much as I've wanted to, I haven't been able to believe in the concept of falling in love. It just doesn't make sense to me.
I think it's kind of made up; overrated, like people convince themselves they've fallen in love because they want it so bad. It wouldn't be the first time mankind had wanted to believe in something so badly that they lived their lives around something completely false. And so a question arises, why do they convince themselves that all they need in life, is to fall in love?
Just a few months ago, I admit, I was like that too but after a series of unpleasant events in my life, I was forced to realize that there is a major difference between loving somebody and being in love. I realized that loving somebody is what I'd been doing all along and that I should no longer need anything else. But it still left me with an empty feeling. So what does that mean?
Is falling in love true or imagined?
I guess I have no choice but to wait and see.

Suspended in the Cosmos

Too many people come to know that, in the greater scheme of things, they are nothing. That when they die, life will go on for billions of other people; it may not be easy for some, but it will go on all the same. They will tell themselves that they are a minuscule spec of nothing, floating in a vast universe, that will eventually disappear forever; that will eventually be forgotten forever. And if they think this way, they most likely will.
Still, that doesn't mean that they have to be right.

Spinning Circles Beneath the Sky

You really never know how others see you. You might have an idea, but in most cases, it's not the right one. If you're not happy with the way people think of you, especially the people who don't really know you, you try to change your appearance.
Last summer, I was with a group of friends having a really good time. We were at a pool, running around, talking, and laughing at everything.
One of my friends came over to me and said "Nobody at school would believe that you are ever like this." She didn't mean in to be insulting but it really upset me. What did people think? That I was just quiet and no fun?
When we got back to school I started acting a little differently, a little louder, laughing more just to prove a point, thinking that I was being myself.
I soon realized that I'd been myself all along and I really didn't care what people thought about me as long as my friends know me.
It's a good feeling.

As You Slip Further Away

Growing up can be just one disappointment after another.
Every day, there's another little bit of something we used to believe in that disappears forever. It comes from learning. As we learn more and more, the magic of the unknown starts to fade, even if it's just a little thing, like knowing the number stars you can see in the sky when it used to seem infinite.
As we get older, there's less to dream about and our imaginations start to fade. It's a terrible thing, to lose one's imagination; I feel it dying inside me every day.
I remember the day I first noticed it, a few years ago. To escape my reality, I tried to take myself to another place, far, far away, but I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't hold the images in my head like I used to.
Sometimes I wonder if there's any way I could get my imagination back. Or maybe this is just the way it's supposed to be.

Looking Back

It's funny how the person we're supposed to hate is so often the person that we care most what they think. And how, when we finally teach ourselves that we in fact do not hate that person, our whole world is altered.
Looking back, nothing is as much of a big deal as it was at the time; it happened and now it's over. Everything that we've endured, the life changing events for better and for worse, aren't such a big deal. The days, weeks, months we thought we wouldn't live through, always came to an end.
I don't regret things anymore. There's no way of turning back time and we learn from our mistakes.
A great Buddhist thinker once said, "What's done is what had to be done." I have never heard words of more truth.

As Woody Allen Put It So Well...

"Tradition is the illusion of permanence."
--Woody Allen


Why is it that unspoken traditions hurt more to break than acknowledged ones?
Maybe it's because the other person involved in the tradition hasn't realized that it is one yet; that you know the other person hasn't been thinking about it; that the other person can let you down without ever knowing it; that the next day you have to go on acting like nothing is wrong. Maybe it's because the other person doesn't know how much it means to you or how you could never tell that other person, not because it's embarrassing or that you'd sound clingy, but because there are no words.
From here on out, I'd like not to make traditions. They will only be broken.
So now, whatever happens, happens.

Aisle 6

While inside the grocery store today, I watched as a woman pushed a shopping cart with three young children clinging on to her. Although she was about thirty, I could see lines of worry in her face. Their clothes were dirty and their cart was almost empty. They obviously weren't well off. One child wailed as her brother pinched her and the mother snapped at the little boy "You know better than that!". She obviously wasn't leading an easy life.
I wondered what was going on inside her head and it struck me how our minds must be like parallel universes. The things that I spend most of my days thinking about, have never crossed her mind and vice versa. The people who mean the world to me, she has never met.
I wish I could share that woman's pain, but then again, I wouldn't be able to stop there; there are probably millions of people in the world worse off than me, and as much as I want to, I wouldn't be able to share with everyone.
There's nothing worse than watching somebody else suffer.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

It must have been months ago, by now, that I saw commercial that immediately woke me from my mindless trance of television-watching. It was a commercial for some sort of over-the-counter painkiller, the specifics are now vague but I remember clearly, at the end of the commercial, a very generic-sounding man's voice saying "Taking you a step closer to a pain-free world."
Now that had to be the most horrifying thing I'd ever heard in my life, I thought to myself. A world without pain?
At first it might sound good to you; no suffering, jealousy, anger, hate or fear. But as you take a closer look, you see that world would be lacking the things that only exist with pain, beautiful things, like hope and love.
It made me wonder if the world might be like that someday, and if so, how soon? Certainly not in this lifetime, but maybe in the next?
We learn from pain. Given the choice, I'd choose to take a step back instead.

Made, Kept, Broken

Promises are rarely made for the right reasons. Too many promises are made with no intention of being kept; sometimes for selfish reasons or sometimes in order to keep a person safe. I even admit to have made those kind of promises. I used to think that promises all depended on who they involved, that promises made to certain people were more valuable, more valid than others. Later on, I've realized how wrong I was. It took getting my heart broken (there are many, many different types of heartbreak and this was one of the less common, I think) to realize the importance of all promises and that it's possible for promises to be broken for good reasons, though they're broken all the same.
And although a broken promise almost lost me three of my best friends, I've recently made a promise that has changed my life forever, one that no matter what, I could never break. I even go as far as saying it has saved my life. And I'm grateful.

The Bus Ride Home

Whatever you may think, I've never been one for giving in to the ways things should be. I can sit comfortably in a corner alone, something usually frowned upon in today's society, and just let my mind wander for hours. I don't try to control where and where not my mind might take me, as do most people. Maybe they don't do it on a conscious level, but they do. They avoid the suffering, pain, anger, jealousy and fear by pushing it to the back of their minds, where it stays forever disguised as a different emotion. I've learned that such things never go away unless confronted. At such a young age, sometimes it seems like there's too much pain and and suffering in my mind that others don't experience. Or maybe they just haven't excepted it's presence yet?
Just this afternoon, as I let myself unwind after a long day, my mind brought me to a painful place. It was there that I realized that slowly, I'm turning into the person I'd most hate to be. It's little things mostly, similar aspirations, a new interest in a band or just the use of an expression, that I've realized are practically identical to their own. It's a scary thought for me to just maybe, be turning out like this other person and telling myself that I am my own, unique person hasn't helped. I'm almost under a spell where i don't realize the hypocrisy of it all, and the irony; when i finally come to a better place in my life, I start sliding down again into what I've just escaped. But I've now admitted to and confronted my fear and like so many times before this, it will soon start to fade.