And Every Breath We Drew Was Hallelujah

Gasping for air, grasping reality as the last of a nightmare leaves me, is how I've woken up nearly every night in the last week. In one dream I was schizophrenic and there was screaming in my head that wasn't my own. In one dream I was brutally raped. In another, lost and shivering, I was stuck at the edge of the universe, watching everything play out without me.
But the worst of the dreams I had was different. It came from nowhere. It came from everywhere. You were alone and didn't know where to turn. You needed me, wanted me, and I was right there.
It was the most perfect dream I had ever had. For once in my life everything was right, everything would be okay. You really did love me, until I woke up.

Printemps

Waking up on days when the sunrise is flawlessly spilling over the horizon onto the world, warming the world and filling my heart up again, all I can hope is that I still feel alive by nighttime.
The sunrises quiet the worries in my head and smooth over the pain.
I can remember feeling like this last spring, too. I know I've changed, I'm more human than I've ever been but I can't help noticing that I'm still in the same place, dancing circles around the sun.
I can't help but hope that at this time next year, I won't have slipped up again, and I won't be so hesitant, and I won't stutter, and I won't flinch, and I won't want the scars anymore.
I think I'm going to stop counting each day as it goes by. Maybe I'll just try to breathe instead.