And September Starts

I wake up in the middle of the night and there are no stars outside my window. I look up and I smile.
The summer that changed everything ends tonight and the golden, twisting story is what I'll take with me, to remember.
I can recognize that unfamiliar beating in my heart now; the fast, explosive, slightly dangerous but purely exhilarating feeling. It's called being happy.
There were times last year when all I wanted was to die. I can tell already that this year, that won't be the case. I can tell I'm going to hang onto this.
This year, I'm going to be okay.

Still Counting?

Yesterday could not have been more perfect. This morning I woke up from a dream, frustrated. I tried reading outside and my writer's block came back. With the writer's block came the bad habits. Well, one of them anyway. My favorite.
I wish I had something inspiring I could write. Or anything at all.

Begging You to be My Escape.

I think the ocean is what I need right now. I need the waves to carry me away for a while. I need my heart to stop beating so fucking fast.
My mind has been racing at night (who really needs sleep?). My dreams have been difficult to wake up from. My hopes used to have limits.
A day in the sun is all I need to burn away those excessive thoughts. A day with my best friend in the entire world. A day to just be.

Stranger.

A month ago, I wouldn't have told you a thing but something inside me shifted and suddenly you were there.
You said something today that struck me as incredibly beautiful, something that could never be produced by my own mind. Trying to figure our the secret, the promise, the story, you told me to that if I needed someone to tell, I should find someone who thinks I'm too good for this world. And by telling them I would prove them wrong. Then, in their eyes, I would belong on this earth. Maybe even I'd belong here in my own eyes. I just have to find that person.
I'll be starting the story. I can't promise anything good but it'll be better than nothing.

Midwest.

I leave tomorrow.
If I were to decide not to come back, I wonder how long it would take you to forget me.
Not long, I hope.

Rain Walk.

I woke up at midmorning and it was still dark. The rain made the day a sort of Charlie-Parker-gloomy. And so I went with it.
And it was wonderful.
I went for a walk in the forest, barefoot and open minded, then spent the rest of the day alone with the record player, drifting in and out of sleep and various states of mind.
There is something terribly romantic, I think, about Parker's story; car crash, morphine addiction, drops out, alcohol and heroin, musical genius, best friend is his complete opposite, dies at 34 watching Tommy Dorsey on television.
There's something beautiful and ironic there. Near death all his life, and still Bird lives.

Alive.

If there is one thing I can count on in this unpredictable world, it's that time will change everything.
For years I've been waiting, more or less impatiently, for time to take away the pain. I realize now that some pain never goes away. Not even time could do that for me. What else I know however, is that with time, while the pain might stay the same but the heart becomes stronger with every second that passes. Every tear, every shattered breath, every stinging cut that kept me up at night has brought me to this point in my life. Right now.
Today I found out that I am stronger than I have ever been before. Time, wonderful time, has gotten me used to the pain so that I can breathe now. My heart beats now. Not for you anymore. Just to keep me alive.

Staying.

Most days are impossible to get through but some days, like today, are magic. I love feeling good.
I woke up and the sun was rising. I took my final exams and came home in time to take a nap before going to my math tutor and physical therapy. Mum and I got some pizza and went shopping for our trip next week.
It might not sound great to you but today was sort of perfect. Even when things went a little wrong I was still okay.
This feeling might me gone tomorrow when I wake up, so I don't even want to sleep. I want this to stay. Right now, I'd love to stay.

Saturday.

Once you break a promise, it becomes increasingly easy to break, until thoughtlessly, you can break it every day. It's a shame, but it's one of the few truths I've learned during my time on this earth.
Today I reread every letter that I wrote you and never sent. The ink has faded with time, especially where my tears exploded on the paper, making it soft and vulnerable. I really missed you. I guess I still do. I wonder what you might say if you found them after all these months.
It's times like these when I can't help but play "what-if"...

Found.

There wasn’t much left to say after that.
He had said it all; every word that could have formed in my mouth, every thought that could have unfurled like a wisp of smoke in my mind. The moon was still out, sitting low and full on the west horizon. Wordlessly, he stood first and held a hand out to help me off the cool ground. The sun’s filmy rays were brushing past the tops of trees and giving the meadow new hope. He put his hand on my shoulder tentatively as we walked, but removed it, almost as soon as I realized it was there. It didn’t feel right anymore.

And Every Breath We Drew Was Hallelujah

Gasping for air, grasping reality as the last of a nightmare leaves me, is how I've woken up nearly every night in the last week. In one dream I was schizophrenic and there was screaming in my head that wasn't my own. In one dream I was brutally raped. In another, lost and shivering, I was stuck at the edge of the universe, watching everything play out without me.
But the worst of the dreams I had was different. It came from nowhere. It came from everywhere. You were alone and didn't know where to turn. You needed me, wanted me, and I was right there.
It was the most perfect dream I had ever had. For once in my life everything was right, everything would be okay. You really did love me, until I woke up.

Printemps

Waking up on days when the sunrise is flawlessly spilling over the horizon onto the world, warming the world and filling my heart up again, all I can hope is that I still feel alive by nighttime.
The sunrises quiet the worries in my head and smooth over the pain.
I can remember feeling like this last spring, too. I know I've changed, I'm more human than I've ever been but I can't help noticing that I'm still in the same place, dancing circles around the sun.
I can't help but hope that at this time next year, I won't have slipped up again, and I won't be so hesitant, and I won't stutter, and I won't flinch, and I won't want the scars anymore.
I think I'm going to stop counting each day as it goes by. Maybe I'll just try to breathe instead.

For You

Now, I'm nearly certain that I've done the right thing, but I'm left wondering why I really did it. Is it possible to do the right thing for the wrong reasons; and if so, where does that leave me?
I'm completely lost between selfishness and selflessness.
I've been on this earth long enough to know the difference between someone who looks to find, from someone who has already found and yet looks away. I'm not sure why you look away, but there must be a reason.

OneTwoThreeFourFiveSix.

It's been six long months since I broke my promise. It's been six long months of regret, fear and too many fake smiles.
I hope in another six months I'll be stronger. I really hope.

Beautiful

Beautiful people will always come and go. I don't mean movie stars, I mean real people, people that you admire for their bravery, strength, patience and heart. People move away, move on, and eventually leave forever. They will always be part of your life; part of you, and their effect on your life is what will make you a beautiful person too someday.
Even if it's a sad beauty instead of a purely happy beauty, you have to remember that as we age, we learn, we become wise; we are all becoming a real sort of beautiful.

Leap Day

It's not even eight in the morning yet and I'm having an amazing day.
I think there's something terribly lucky and wonderful about leap days. I feel different today. Like I belong, or even better, like I feel like staying.

Oh, What Has Begun?

Maybe this afternoon, for a minute, I was a kid again. Sitting atop the swing-set monkey bars watching a pink sky creep over Boston as the sun sank behind me, the cold air made it impossible for my mind to be anything but clear.
My nose was pink and my sweatshirt was too thin but I couldn't let it get to me, not just yet. I had to stay out there because I could tell, I won't feel that way again in a long time.

Hoping For a Dreamless Sleep

You were my New Year's resolution. Forgetting you, rather.
When I first started trying not to think about you anymore, I dreamt about you for the first time, and then every night for a week.
I know the truth and I think you do too. I watch you walking by, walking away and still nothing seems to change. It's a horrible thing.
Now I only wait for the day I can remember how to forget.

Imagine 1296000 Minutes

I've been waiting for years. Plural.
I can't be sure exactly when it started, I never will be, but can you imagine waking up 900 mornings in a row with the same person on your mind? Maybe more than 900.
I feels like it's the only thing that hasn't changed over those years. Friends have come and gone, and so some complex, damaged relationships but even through that, I'm realizing that things really haven't changed.
There hasn't been anyone who could make me forget as much as I want to, as much as I need to.

Introducing 2008

After everything I told myself, my knuckles are still white, my fingers desperately gripping anything familar in their reach.
It's been 114 long days and sometimes, I don't feel a bit different. I'd go back in a heartbeat if it wasn't for my friends. Even the friends that I've lost, especially them. I don't forget half as easily. I hope they know that I'm doing this for them.
I haven't seen the stars for a while, they'd just remind me of him.
Every bone in my body is aching, screaming, telling me to leave this place, find somewhere new; I need to.
And there's really only one person who's keeping me here.