Midwest.

I leave tomorrow.
If I were to decide not to come back, I wonder how long it would take you to forget me.
Not long, I hope.

Rain Walk.

I woke up at midmorning and it was still dark. The rain made the day a sort of Charlie-Parker-gloomy. And so I went with it.
And it was wonderful.
I went for a walk in the forest, barefoot and open minded, then spent the rest of the day alone with the record player, drifting in and out of sleep and various states of mind.
There is something terribly romantic, I think, about Parker's story; car crash, morphine addiction, drops out, alcohol and heroin, musical genius, best friend is his complete opposite, dies at 34 watching Tommy Dorsey on television.
There's something beautiful and ironic there. Near death all his life, and still Bird lives.

Alive.

If there is one thing I can count on in this unpredictable world, it's that time will change everything.
For years I've been waiting, more or less impatiently, for time to take away the pain. I realize now that some pain never goes away. Not even time could do that for me. What else I know however, is that with time, while the pain might stay the same but the heart becomes stronger with every second that passes. Every tear, every shattered breath, every stinging cut that kept me up at night has brought me to this point in my life. Right now.
Today I found out that I am stronger than I have ever been before. Time, wonderful time, has gotten me used to the pain so that I can breathe now. My heart beats now. Not for you anymore. Just to keep me alive.

Staying.

Most days are impossible to get through but some days, like today, are magic. I love feeling good.
I woke up and the sun was rising. I took my final exams and came home in time to take a nap before going to my math tutor and physical therapy. Mum and I got some pizza and went shopping for our trip next week.
It might not sound great to you but today was sort of perfect. Even when things went a little wrong I was still okay.
This feeling might me gone tomorrow when I wake up, so I don't even want to sleep. I want this to stay. Right now, I'd love to stay.

Saturday.

Once you break a promise, it becomes increasingly easy to break, until thoughtlessly, you can break it every day. It's a shame, but it's one of the few truths I've learned during my time on this earth.
Today I reread every letter that I wrote you and never sent. The ink has faded with time, especially where my tears exploded on the paper, making it soft and vulnerable. I really missed you. I guess I still do. I wonder what you might say if you found them after all these months.
It's times like these when I can't help but play "what-if"...

Found.

There wasn’t much left to say after that.
He had said it all; every word that could have formed in my mouth, every thought that could have unfurled like a wisp of smoke in my mind. The moon was still out, sitting low and full on the west horizon. Wordlessly, he stood first and held a hand out to help me off the cool ground. The sun’s filmy rays were brushing past the tops of trees and giving the meadow new hope. He put his hand on my shoulder tentatively as we walked, but removed it, almost as soon as I realized it was there. It didn’t feel right anymore.